I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
