I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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