Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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