if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
