so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
True college students do jello shots in the library
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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