Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
