but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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