I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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