In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
