Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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