please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
this hospital has no fireball
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
