shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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