I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
