textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates