erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
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the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
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Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?