i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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