ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
