My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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