genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she smelled like a LAN party
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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