all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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