I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
