She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
