There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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