You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
