I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
