Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it was like eating out sand paper
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
