so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
