i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
