You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
