true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
