i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
