i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
