Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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