I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
