It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
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So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
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A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD