the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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