Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
