Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
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After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
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If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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