I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
