upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
