just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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