chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
3pm strippers are depressing
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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