dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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