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If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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