Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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