I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
