I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
