there were more penises there than on chat roulette
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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