so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
