Just cropdusted the office
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He? As in you personified your dick?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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