Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
