Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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