Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
