no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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