He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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