Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
