He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
