Swine flu. Run for my life!
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
