I puked a lego.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
