I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
